a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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