You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
