Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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