He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
