the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
