I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
