I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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