I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
