i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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