my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
