I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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