I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
