I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
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