I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
my poor anus
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
