oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
