I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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