I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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