i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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