apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
