you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
