woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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