So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
