at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
