Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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