Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
