i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
