I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
