You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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