I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
