apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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