new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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