You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
