I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Randomize