Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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