Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
