bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
