so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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