Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
