Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
