There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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