I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
