my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
