Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Randomize
