Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he quoted the bible to break up with me
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize