what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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