So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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