I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
