Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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