I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
