Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize