sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
