hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I don't deserve a penis
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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