just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
