On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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