last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
