Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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