my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
