I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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