the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
