Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Text me some of your sweat
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
