My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
BRING THE BAGELS
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
