I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
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