I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
