why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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